It is Hell being a Burden on People

Since I became homeless I have prided myself on trying to help EVERY where I stayed... I cook, clean, watch kids, keep quiet and docile............... But Still a burden. NO one cared that I got hit by a cra this weekend and bruised all over... they care that I left an ice chest (cooler) in the car that went to the shop.

You know I am coming to expect this and accept it, but it hurts. people take petty things and make huge things out of it just to have an excuse to throw you away, or even forget the guilts that they already have towards you.

In December 2008 I was in the Hospital in ICU with a 10% chance to live..... how many of my family flew out to make sure that I was getting proper care?

In 2006 I had pancreatitis and was in ICU in Dallas......... 60 miles from my family.... how many came? You guessed it..... ZIP, Zero, No ONE

2006 11 breast surgeries because of a botched surgery in Costa Rica at Scott and White in Temple Texas 22 miles from family......... and the grand total this time......2 my son and my kennel worker!

I have been emotionally on my own my entire life, so why is it bothering me so much right now? Because this is the FIRST time that I have felt helpless in my own skin. I walk on eggshells to not piss anyone off and to keep a roof over my head, I have become a robot to please... Well Fuck that.

You know I can go to a church and beg for Charity, but I won't use a church to keep a roof over my head by pretending that I believe all of their faith, I have the mental capablities to have done illegal things to stay afloat, but I didn't. We choose our path and I guess that I chose to be humiliated, shunned and pushed rather than use charity wrongly or steal.

I did ask friends for help, but their ideas of help was kind words....... See these are the friends that would buy me shit that I would NEVER wear, bring me bottles of wine, pay for my CL post but to help me get back on my feet that was just uncalled of and not happening.

I know I sound bitter today and maybe it is MY time to grieve...... you see since this all started all I have been doing is to try a fix everybody......... IT IS NOT MY JOB TO HEAL THE WORLD! I needed this weekend to get away, let my hair down and be drama free and Maybe to get LAID (where I would enjoy it that is) None of this happened.....

Cold Hard Reality Set in.. there is no good left in the world, there are no miracles left and I am tired of the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I am ready to start working a friggin street corner and say Fuck Everyone........ now isnt that the proper responce for someone that has been crushed over and over for the last few months? Sorry to disappoint, I still love all of you and cast MANY Blessings yours way
Carla Holland-Strange