My Testimony to God

My name is Carla, I have gone thru most of what you have gone thru right now............ since I recieved my calling I have lost everything... I am now homeless after living in a mansion. I watched your show this morning and I am trying to ask God for my reward.........but most times I feel beaten down.

You see I was a well known Porn Producer and Actress that woke up one day and realized that God had called me to service.... I walked away that day to serve God......but lost every material possession I owned while doing it.

since being called, I have lost even my childrens baby pictures and photo albums........ lived on a rock, in the back of a truck and even in AA meetings (when I am not a drunk) I have discovered the joy of helping people that had even less than me... being there for them when no one else would, and even forgiving those that openly attacked me. Don't think that I am looking for Sainthood, because I know that isn't me. I had the opportunity today to go back to my old life and do a video today.... and put a roof over my head. But I can't do that either. God has shown me too much of the light to go back into the dark. If you take anything at all with you from my testimony please take this one thing.......... when times look dim....when you feel totally alone....... close your eyes RAISE your face to the sun, breathe the sweet air and tell God I love you unconditionally........... like he does you. You will feel the calm, tranquil love that he has to share. You will realize that you are not alone.......... the things that make your life hard make you strong! Many Blessings Carla Holland-Strange

Don't You just love those Epiphany Mornings (Spelt wrong I am sure)

Oh my heck....... I just love the flood of knowledge that sometimes just hits you in the face by watching a typical tv show that most take as pure entertainment. But you need to realize these messages that come thru these (nothing but entertainment venues)

I just watched Glee and saw alot of my life there. You see I was the social outcast in school...... the fat, shy, girl with bright red hair and green eyes. My social "clicks" were the other misfits that had no other place to hangout. Even though we were not that great of friends we did it to not be alone.

I saw that as different as I was I would never fit in, so I began by fighting my shyness and Boy ya see where that landed me. I can strip in front of a million people and can't sing in front of 1. See how weird is that? I hated being fat, but as a fat girl I did not have to worry about people noticing me and seeing how special I really was in my heart. I manage to fight my fat off 4 times in my lifetime and the third was with weightloss surgery........ I lost 150 pounds then gained 80 of it back! Self sabbatage again! I mean why would I want to feel good about myself and who I am? I made so many choices that everyone that I loved felt were bad choices.... so did I desearve to be thin and happy? Oh hell No...... I was nothing more than a slut stripper that had 3 kids by 2 fathers and raising them by myself. BUT if I had made different choices then....... I would not be who I am today.

And by the way I like ME!!!!! That is how I eat any and everything I want and stay a size 8......... It wasn't diet or surgery. It was finally coming to terms with myself as a human.

Mom I am sorry that your ashamed of me as your daughter because of my life in the adult field. I am sorry that I was too independent to stay right there by your side, I am sorry for everything that your angry about. BUT I don't regret a minute of my life. Every twist and turn has set me to a place where I put others BEFORE me, a place where I can fall in love with a misfit that others threw away. Where I can and will live with him in a box if it has to be that way. I know that Rick was a bad boy too..... but if I can change so very much... why can't he?

I believe in what I am doing here, I believe in all the freaks that I help, I believe that as a great Mom you will believe in me too.. after all God gave me to YOU? Because he knew that you would always love me unconditionally.

Yes I am the one that tried to integrate mainstream porn and gay porn, because I felt that human love and sex is just that HUMAN.... if God believed different we would just be androgenis ... He gave us this Earth as a playground and we turned it into a battlefield of hate. Still no regrets!

I believe that until you love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you? How do you deserve love when you haven't earned it?

People either love me or hate me........ NO middle ground and I accept that! Many Blessings and Much Love
Carla Holland-Strange

Past is Past, the Future is Not here, NOW is all we have

Thanks to the Tyra Show for reminding me about that

I need some insights on how to become human

Ok folks I need some insights on how to be more human. You see for years I am there for anyone that ever needs me, a place to stay, a place to eat, a hug, my last dime..... and throughout the years I have lost all my possessions, thrown into jail by my friends and family, lost my pets.... but I kept on with this endless spiral of belief in these very same people. I asked a roomful of them the other night.... why i could never come first to one of them. When things are going good, they put me right out of their thoughts...... But when things are bad or confusing and they need clarity........ they run straight to Momma.

Now here is my dilema, how do I stop caring? How to do I harden my heart to not care? I mean I am totally confused. I lost my baby 2 days ago and I was still going to LA to do the Walk For Aids and could not even get a ride from one of them..... much less a sponsor! Tony has lived with me off and on since 2007 and put in $120 in all that time....... then bitched cause he had to give me a ride. I called a number of friends to be with me when I lost the baby, and only one showed up! I have been in ICU 3 times and not one time did family or friends stay at the hospital with me! I rescued over 900 dogs in 7 years and my animals went to the pound when I was drugged and thrown in jail!

What I am saying is....... no matter how it hurts.... no matter what I lose...... No matter who stabs me in the back....... I won't change. Don't ask me why I love my God so much because, he doesn't answer my prayers too often either........ but I know that he is doing this for a reason. I haven't even been able to do an appointment because I was pregnant, my parties were people just showing up and not contributing towards the cause.... Except for the wonderful bands Smiling Slut Puppies, 90 degrees, and Elliot Zabo .... Ya'll were a true blessing! I also want to thank Jeanette Johnson my ex boss for making sure that I had a roof over my head.

My prayers are for humans to learn to care again, the computers and internet have made you kind of distant and cold. Are you replacing love, and friendships with a cold computer screen?

I forgot, Drew puts me first........ he was on the streets for 2 years and homeless..... he loves me.
I love all these people and even if I never get put first for a minute, i will still love them.

Enough venting..................................Many Blessings Carla Holland-Strange

An Amazing Awakening

My journey has been amazing and the transformation even puts me in awe. You see when the transition began I felt that it was a nightmare that I could not wake up from. I mean all this crazy shit that has no earthly reasoning. BUT as I look back it has always been there in my life, when my great grandfather died I was 6 and i still remember him coming to me and letting me know that he was still with me. I have run from this most of my life, and not understood that it is the purpose that I am here.

God gives each of us talents and abilities........... wonderous gifts. My gifts are the gifts of sight, healing, compassion, empathy, and unconditional love. My job is to recognise and embrace them not run from them.

I tell my God everyday how much I love and appreciate him.....but now that my time is getting back into high demand... I don't spend enough time telling people in my life what they mean to me.

Mom, we don't have to agree to Love each other.......... But if tonight is the last night of our lives I want you to know that your my hero.

Kaye, I love you.... you have the same abilities that I do..... your just scared of them. Venture out and touch that inner soul... think of all the people that you can help. You have to love yourself for others to find you!

Gen, Jeremy, Brandon, Amanda..........what can I say. Your the best kids a woman could ever have...... your lights are so bright.

To all my amazing friends, all I can say is Thank God that I have you.

AJB.... we are forever connected.............we are forever atuned...........I will always feel your essence............ together or apart.

To my Darling Taylor Anne Holland, I pray we get thru this............ Your making me really tired lately.

Many Blessings
Carla Holland-Strange

My Witnessing

Ok the title is alittle misleading, I am not going to sit here and bash my past........ to be honest it got me here to who I am now. Yes I have been on drugs (meth and crack) used to drink like a fish and I still can at times, posed nude, stripped, did adult films, escorted......... Never stole, hurt people, always kind and giving.

I don't just give money to charities I give me (not being holier than thou) I think the best gifts that we can give is ourselves, our energies, our healings..... I have found that is my best ability is healing. It drains me dry, but I seem to be able to take the pain away. I have had 3 healings so far and they have worked so well that it shocked me to my inner core. Who knew.hehehhehehehe.

I am excited in this gift, but never want it to go to an ego thing or then it won't work. I have to stay humble even when I am getting so excited about the things that I have been able to do lately!
Many Blessings and Peace Be with YOU

Future Earth Goddesses are coming to me in droves

We seem to be finding each other, it is amazing! It is like we have a built in radar to each other. I have met 7 so far this week including 2 men. We all have mainly the same traits with a few things thrown in extra for each of us.......

• We are all
• Visionaries
• Nurturing
• Kind
• Respectful
• Social Conscience
• Passionate about Our Beliefs
• Our Bodies are ALL Going thru Metamorphis

I am going to Start group meetings soon as I can get $20 together to start a meetup group........ Funny I look better than I have ever looked and my God is fighting me on making any money......... I love him to death and I accept that is his will..... but I have to pay my own way. That is just who I am. Many Blessings My Darling Earth Spirits and Realize that we are here to make a change......... please do at least one random act of kindness today!

I need a Miracle

I have been studying "A Course in Miracles" for awhile now, and everything in it rings true.......Now I need a Miracle. My Ex Daughter In Law just called and she and my Grandson will be homeless in an hour... Well I am 1300 miles away and ust now getting back on my feet.......EVERY single day I start my Mornings by casting out Blessings to all that read my blogs......... Times are Hard and Money is tight so ALL that I am asking for is people to send me their BLESSINGS, not Prayers But Blessings...that is Major to me........ My God will do the Rest

I think he does not believe that people care anymore and I want to show him that they do, even if it is words of Blessings..... you see prayers are asking for something..... I am praying for Blessings. Blessings are a Beautiful Gift......... you tithe when you give a gift.

So Please email me your Blessings at earthgoddesscarla@gmail.com

Well it has already started

Barely been here a week and my friends are needing me in like 50 different directions, well one thing I learned after being in Texas and needing emotional support and understanding and not getting it...... I will make it happen!

Alot of this drains me, but I enjoy it and realize that I am doing good.... cept wanted to strangle Sharon last night when she called at 1am hehehehehe....... our Dear Friend Robin died March 31 and I am sure that she needed someone to talk to that understood...... but I just could not wake up. Now with Debs cancer I know that I am going to have to learn to be 24/7 for my friends. Selfishness and laziness with friendships are not the way to teach true unconditional love.

We went to see Saphire play last night, they are amazing! A truely female empowered group of ladies over 50 playing Blues. hehehehehehe I wanna be them when I grow up.

I have learned on this crazy journey that we don't have to be the same to love each other........ Just Agree to Disagree and go on with it. Hell Look at me and Dionne......... I am a wild child that loves to dress and act slutty and she is an amazing child of God...... BUT we never ran out of things to talk about! She is a smart intuitive woman that is grounded and centered in family and crafts and JC (Jesus) Me..... well hell I am just me, a free spirit that thrives on life and people.

I am going to drag Wade and his GirlFriend out tonight I think and I have an investor meeting at noon today (keep your fingers crossed) my deadline is Monday and this time I will realize that if it does not happen it wasn't meant to be. I won't see it as a failure, but a non-accomplishment. That was hard for me to realize that I don't always accomplish.

I struggled so many years growing up to try and be worthy of my Earth Parents love that it took alot of the joy out of my accomplishments, so now I am going to savor the ones that I earned and gracefully let go of the ones that I didn't.

Many Blessings!!!!!!!!
I limit myself to 1 hour aday online.....so please understand that I may not get your emails till the next day.

Special Blessings to Rocky, you stay in my thoughts and heart..... sometimes you can't understand a betrayal but you forgive it... never forget it

It is Hell being a Burden on People

Since I became homeless I have prided myself on trying to help EVERY where I stayed... I cook, clean, watch kids, keep quiet and docile............... But Still a burden. NO one cared that I got hit by a cra this weekend and bruised all over... they care that I left an ice chest (cooler) in the car that went to the shop.

You know I am coming to expect this and accept it, but it hurts. people take petty things and make huge things out of it just to have an excuse to throw you away, or even forget the guilts that they already have towards you.

In December 2008 I was in the Hospital in ICU with a 10% chance to live..... how many of my family flew out to make sure that I was getting proper care?

In 2006 I had pancreatitis and was in ICU in Dallas......... 60 miles from my family.... how many came? You guessed it..... ZIP, Zero, No ONE

2006 11 breast surgeries because of a botched surgery in Costa Rica at Scott and White in Temple Texas 22 miles from family......... and the grand total this time......2 my son and my kennel worker!

I have been emotionally on my own my entire life, so why is it bothering me so much right now? Because this is the FIRST time that I have felt helpless in my own skin. I walk on eggshells to not piss anyone off and to keep a roof over my head, I have become a robot to please... Well Fuck that.

You know I can go to a church and beg for Charity, but I won't use a church to keep a roof over my head by pretending that I believe all of their faith, I have the mental capablities to have done illegal things to stay afloat, but I didn't. We choose our path and I guess that I chose to be humiliated, shunned and pushed rather than use charity wrongly or steal.

I did ask friends for help, but their ideas of help was kind words....... See these are the friends that would buy me shit that I would NEVER wear, bring me bottles of wine, pay for my CL post but to help me get back on my feet that was just uncalled of and not happening.

I know I sound bitter today and maybe it is MY time to grieve...... you see since this all started all I have been doing is to try a fix everybody......... IT IS NOT MY JOB TO HEAL THE WORLD! I needed this weekend to get away, let my hair down and be drama free and Maybe to get LAID (where I would enjoy it that is) None of this happened.....

Cold Hard Reality Set in.. there is no good left in the world, there are no miracles left and I am tired of the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I am ready to start working a friggin street corner and say Fuck Everyone........ now isnt that the proper responce for someone that has been crushed over and over for the last few months? Sorry to disappoint, I still love all of you and cast MANY Blessings yours way
Carla Holland-Strange