I need some insights on how to become human

Ok folks I need some insights on how to be more human. You see for years I am there for anyone that ever needs me, a place to stay, a place to eat, a hug, my last dime..... and throughout the years I have lost all my possessions, thrown into jail by my friends and family, lost my pets.... but I kept on with this endless spiral of belief in these very same people. I asked a roomful of them the other night.... why i could never come first to one of them. When things are going good, they put me right out of their thoughts...... But when things are bad or confusing and they need clarity........ they run straight to Momma.

Now here is my dilema, how do I stop caring? How to do I harden my heart to not care? I mean I am totally confused. I lost my baby 2 days ago and I was still going to LA to do the Walk For Aids and could not even get a ride from one of them..... much less a sponsor! Tony has lived with me off and on since 2007 and put in $120 in all that time....... then bitched cause he had to give me a ride. I called a number of friends to be with me when I lost the baby, and only one showed up! I have been in ICU 3 times and not one time did family or friends stay at the hospital with me! I rescued over 900 dogs in 7 years and my animals went to the pound when I was drugged and thrown in jail!

What I am saying is....... no matter how it hurts.... no matter what I lose...... No matter who stabs me in the back....... I won't change. Don't ask me why I love my God so much because, he doesn't answer my prayers too often either........ but I know that he is doing this for a reason. I haven't even been able to do an appointment because I was pregnant, my parties were people just showing up and not contributing towards the cause.... Except for the wonderful bands Smiling Slut Puppies, 90 degrees, and Elliot Zabo .... Ya'll were a true blessing! I also want to thank Jeanette Johnson my ex boss for making sure that I had a roof over my head.

My prayers are for humans to learn to care again, the computers and internet have made you kind of distant and cold. Are you replacing love, and friendships with a cold computer screen?

I forgot, Drew puts me first........ he was on the streets for 2 years and homeless..... he loves me.
I love all these people and even if I never get put first for a minute, i will still love them.

Enough venting..................................Many Blessings Carla Holland-Strange

Well it has already started

Barely been here a week and my friends are needing me in like 50 different directions, well one thing I learned after being in Texas and needing emotional support and understanding and not getting it...... I will make it happen!

Alot of this drains me, but I enjoy it and realize that I am doing good.... cept wanted to strangle Sharon last night when she called at 1am hehehehehe....... our Dear Friend Robin died March 31 and I am sure that she needed someone to talk to that understood...... but I just could not wake up. Now with Debs cancer I know that I am going to have to learn to be 24/7 for my friends. Selfishness and laziness with friendships are not the way to teach true unconditional love.

We went to see Saphire play last night, they are amazing! A truely female empowered group of ladies over 50 playing Blues. hehehehehehe I wanna be them when I grow up.

I have learned on this crazy journey that we don't have to be the same to love each other........ Just Agree to Disagree and go on with it. Hell Look at me and Dionne......... I am a wild child that loves to dress and act slutty and she is an amazing child of God...... BUT we never ran out of things to talk about! She is a smart intuitive woman that is grounded and centered in family and crafts and JC (Jesus) Me..... well hell I am just me, a free spirit that thrives on life and people.

I am going to drag Wade and his GirlFriend out tonight I think and I have an investor meeting at noon today (keep your fingers crossed) my deadline is Monday and this time I will realize that if it does not happen it wasn't meant to be. I won't see it as a failure, but a non-accomplishment. That was hard for me to realize that I don't always accomplish.

I struggled so many years growing up to try and be worthy of my Earth Parents love that it took alot of the joy out of my accomplishments, so now I am going to savor the ones that I earned and gracefully let go of the ones that I didn't.

Many Blessings!!!!!!!!
I limit myself to 1 hour aday online.....so please understand that I may not get your emails till the next day.

Special Blessings to Rocky, you stay in my thoughts and heart..... sometimes you can't understand a betrayal but you forgive it... never forget it