Ok folks I need some insights on how to be more human. You see for years I am there for anyone that ever needs me, a place to stay, a place to eat, a hug, my last dime..... and throughout the years I have lost all my possessions, thrown into jail by my friends and family, lost my pets.... but I kept on with this endless spiral of belief in these very same people. I asked a roomful of them the other night.... why i could never come first to one of them. When things are going good, they put me right out of their thoughts...... But when things are bad or confusing and they need clarity........ they run straight to Momma.
Now here is my dilema, how do I stop caring? How to do I harden my heart to not care? I mean I am totally confused. I lost my baby 2 days ago and I was still going to LA to do the Walk For Aids and could not even get a ride from one of them..... much less a sponsor! Tony has lived with me off and on since 2007 and put in $120 in all that time....... then bitched cause he had to give me a ride. I called a number of friends to be with me when I lost the baby, and only one showed up! I have been in ICU 3 times and not one time did family or friends stay at the hospital with me! I rescued over 900 dogs in 7 years and my animals went to the pound when I was drugged and thrown in jail!
What I am saying is....... no matter how it hurts.... no matter what I lose...... No matter who stabs me in the back....... I won't change. Don't ask me why I love my God so much because, he doesn't answer my prayers too often either........ but I know that he is doing this for a reason. I haven't even been able to do an appointment because I was pregnant, my parties were people just showing up and not contributing towards the cause.... Except for the wonderful bands Smiling Slut Puppies, 90 degrees, and Elliot Zabo .... Ya'll were a true blessing! I also want to thank Jeanette Johnson my ex boss for making sure that I had a roof over my head.
My prayers are for humans to learn to care again, the computers and internet have made you kind of distant and cold. Are you replacing love, and friendships with a cold computer screen?
I forgot, Drew puts me first........ he was on the streets for 2 years and homeless..... he loves me.
I love all these people and even if I never get put first for a minute, i will still love them.
Enough venting..................................Many Blessings Carla Holland-Strange
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Ask away and I will try to fill ya in. Much Love