I give up

I am finally to the point where I realize God has no love for me.... I have been a sucker like everyone else that believed he would be there for them. I lost the last thing that I had held onto... or rather it was jerked from me. I put all of my soul and now their gone. I won't be back on here, how can you feel positive when you lose the ones that you love.

Triumph Property Management

can you all join me in at least a phone call to these people to get my purse back? I need to work so bad, Rick will be dead out in that cold soon if I can't get him off that stupid rock.

I dont hide my drama or joys....... So Here Goes

Well everyone is driving me nuts with questions about how this all happened, so it is easier to tell all 6000 of you at one time versuses one at a time.... so here goes!

When I got back to Vegas from Texas, I litererally came back here with NOTHING just as I left (thanks to unnamed persons that I do love and forgive) My ex boss (and hero) was in town and offered me her vacation home here to stay in, but at the cost of $4000 a month, well knowing how my world is here I jumped at that because with soooooo many friends here I could easily afford that after All I had before.

But nothing at all is like it was before, I had grown a huge heart (bigger than I had before in fact) and it was my downfall. All I could think of was helping people, it was my obssession. I did clothing drives for the homeless, benefits for Aids (and you folks only donate .25 cents!) Three bands and all day and 25 cents? Letting producers that I adore come and shoot at my house for free, because I felt they would do what was right and at least offer. Taking people in that promised to pay when they got work and then they ran soon as they got a paycheck.

Now I am locked out of the house, all my possessions, my purse (with my ID and debt card) since last fri. did not want to put it on my friends to worry about on a holiday, but the little kild prankster has brought it all out. I am staying at WADES till this afternoon then I am totally homeless. I can't even get my ID to go to a brothel, because my ex boss and Triumph property management does not care.

I wanted people to see that the Adult Field was just a job and that we are all just people with families, that had normal lives outside of our jobs..... but I am wrong. The heart has left most people and they blame it on the economy, it isn't the economy because people that believe in God know that we get trials before rewards.... and how we adjust to those trials determine our rewards.
Yes I am still getting Red Rock, but that does not close till the middle of Dec. just in time for our party.

I have a little prepaid cell phone, but it runs out of minutes tomorrow. so if you need me my number is 702-496-3627 .... Do Not Believe that just cause I let you in on my temporary problems that I will stop fighting and believing........ That isn't me.
Much Love and Many Blessings
Carla Holland-Strange

Sue Kasser remember the mighty can fall, and the evil will perish...... I will survive because God watches over me....... remember my screams as I was being beaten and you sat and listened to it with sexual excitement? Judgement will come and it won't be from me........ aren't you over 60? Not long to make wrongs right.

Long Walk and Deep Thoughts... Fallen Angels

Alot has come to me lately that I am really interested in, and that is Fallen Angels. Let me do some more research on this subject and see what I can determine. I leave tomorrow for awhile (2 weeks) wish I could see the Evil One before I leave. But I am across town and Tony kept my phone, my purse is still at the house so not a penny to my name. if Wade wasn't taking care of me I would starve to death. But all will be ok. Rick if your reading this I love you, I will always be there for you, and when I give up on you it is only for overnight! I am going to a town called Beatty to work to get us back on our feet. I got Brads number again and I will get in touch with him. Don't let the sick minds of people like Sue Kasser keep you sick, Open your heart to the goodness that I see in you, let go of the past. I will go back to escorting to make it good for us, but not as a demeaning chore (I always actually loved it) Remember Sex and Love can be separate entities. Look at us......
Many Blessings
Carla Holland-Strange

My Miracle Baby

As most of you know that I got pregnant AFTER a hysterectomy, a total miracle......except like all the other cases of this happening I lost her at 5 months. But people fail to realize that me getting pregnant at all was a miracle unto itself! I am sorry that dad ran and hid his head rather than acknowledge her exsistance... it was his loss. I am having to work out the grief on this one by myself. When I was in the hospital the other night, because I was still showing and testing positive for pregnancy, but no baby was there....... it broke my heart. BUT I had to face facts, a real man is there for ALL of his children not just the ones that he chooses to love. Docs put me thru some weird treatment and now my waist is back to normal and I started back to excercise yesterday.

Don't You just love those Epiphany Mornings (Spelt wrong I am sure)

Oh my heck....... I just love the flood of knowledge that sometimes just hits you in the face by watching a typical tv show that most take as pure entertainment. But you need to realize these messages that come thru these (nothing but entertainment venues)

I just watched Glee and saw alot of my life there. You see I was the social outcast in school...... the fat, shy, girl with bright red hair and green eyes. My social "clicks" were the other misfits that had no other place to hangout. Even though we were not that great of friends we did it to not be alone.

I saw that as different as I was I would never fit in, so I began by fighting my shyness and Boy ya see where that landed me. I can strip in front of a million people and can't sing in front of 1. See how weird is that? I hated being fat, but as a fat girl I did not have to worry about people noticing me and seeing how special I really was in my heart. I manage to fight my fat off 4 times in my lifetime and the third was with weightloss surgery........ I lost 150 pounds then gained 80 of it back! Self sabbatage again! I mean why would I want to feel good about myself and who I am? I made so many choices that everyone that I loved felt were bad choices.... so did I desearve to be thin and happy? Oh hell No...... I was nothing more than a slut stripper that had 3 kids by 2 fathers and raising them by myself. BUT if I had made different choices then....... I would not be who I am today.

And by the way I like ME!!!!! That is how I eat any and everything I want and stay a size 8......... It wasn't diet or surgery. It was finally coming to terms with myself as a human.

Mom I am sorry that your ashamed of me as your daughter because of my life in the adult field. I am sorry that I was too independent to stay right there by your side, I am sorry for everything that your angry about. BUT I don't regret a minute of my life. Every twist and turn has set me to a place where I put others BEFORE me, a place where I can fall in love with a misfit that others threw away. Where I can and will live with him in a box if it has to be that way. I know that Rick was a bad boy too..... but if I can change so very much... why can't he?

I believe in what I am doing here, I believe in all the freaks that I help, I believe that as a great Mom you will believe in me too.. after all God gave me to YOU? Because he knew that you would always love me unconditionally.

Yes I am the one that tried to integrate mainstream porn and gay porn, because I felt that human love and sex is just that HUMAN.... if God believed different we would just be androgenis ... He gave us this Earth as a playground and we turned it into a battlefield of hate. Still no regrets!

I believe that until you love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you? How do you deserve love when you haven't earned it?

People either love me or hate me........ NO middle ground and I accept that! Many Blessings and Much Love
Carla Holland-Strange

Past is Past, the Future is Not here, NOW is all we have

Thanks to the Tyra Show for reminding me about that

Still Staying Away to Clear My MInd

I am still at my friends house trying to make conscience decisions about what path I am going to take with Rick, but I know for a fact that I don't think with my head when I am around him, but with my heart. And at this time I know for a fact that thinking with my heart is not a good thing. I can't afford to make wrong choices.

I am such a strong willed woman that I know that either choice I make will be the right one.

Lund Family Center What a Great Org

I just read about this great org. Lund Family Center...... sounds like it does alot of great work for empowering women to overcome abuse and help structure adoption services. I just love great charities like that. After I get my retreats up and running I plan on supporting something like this. A friend of Ricks is really involved with one.

Looking for INVESTORS

We are getting the contracts for Lifestyle parties and conventions here in Vegas and looking for Investors

Oh Myyyyyyyyyy

I just got an email from a lady that was drugged and molested at my favorite Resort to hate LOR!!!!!! This blog is googled so much that it is amazing!!!! I just love it! And the Amazing Sue Kasser (Vermont) that loves to hear women Beat..... Don't ya love the freedom of the internet??? I sure Do!!!!!

Well Trying to Keep My Chin Up

Lost the house today, all my wonderful friends jumped ship rather than pitch in and help me save it....but that is ok. I will survive,
Most people that know me, know that I never give up, PLUS At 3am I wake up in severe pain and ended up in the ER till 10 am! So they locked up my possessions, including my purse with my ID and my cell phone.

And then these evil bitches like Sue Kasser role in their evil fortunes. I guess I am giving up on Rick too..... he does not want to be happy. There is always someone that he can blame for his misery......

I almost said fuck you to god for this hellish year that I have gone thru, but in the end I realize that it was all a learning year and I recieved much more than I lost. Gods loves everyone, but everyone can't always struggle thru to the end.

Anyway enough whining....... Many Blessings and Much Love

Rick is very Ill

I haven't been able to post lately since the internet is off at the house and Rick has been too ill for me to leave, I am getting really scared but can't get him to the hospital.....we think it is the swine flu. He has dropped 20 pounds and not eating anything. We have worked so hard, and he has done so good. Sometimes I wonder why God does this to us, I mean we do every single thing that is asked of us....so why not give us a break every once in awhile. I am at the library and reading the book on predeath dreams, since I already have had all these dreams that he would die soon..... I read Sylvia Brownes book on dreaming and believed that it was a way to avoid his passing..... I can't deal with the computer right now cause I am so worried

Ricks first day back at home.... what a journey

Well what a day, I allowed rick here to come home and it has been a true journey. he knows that I have started to bond to the most important person in his life, and he is totally confused of how I can bond with that person, but he can't. He cried alot today and I know all he wants is to be worthy of a family..... I can't take away his pain........ I want to give him a family here ... he can't understand why people that are not blood love him so much. He is sitting on the couch right now with my friend who is a super size bbw talking quantum phsyics......LMAO

It is precious that we are the Worlds Misfits, Bad Boys/Girls with huge hearts and amazing grace. He will heal.

he said the cutest thing today "I want my Mommy" he is a child in a mans body always being the naughty child to get any kind of attention. I know that I chose the right path in giving him another chance.....................Many Blessings

About My Jobs and Why I Stay in Them with Pride

hmmmm people wonder how someone that is so in love with God can be in the sex business...... and most everyone that knows me knows that I love my work. God gave us sex, he gave us the ability to enjoy sex, not to just make babies... BUT I feel that porn and prostitution has taken a gift from God and made it dirty..... People just doing a job......... Well don't you think that God wants beauty back in Sex?

I have done scenes that made me yucky afterwards and then scenes that made me glow (Guy Disilva) Producers don't look for chemistry... I do. I want people to watch my scenes and feel the passion.... not see the fucking. I want women to watch my stuff and get turned on and maybe learn some new things. I want to shoot stuff that make women know that it is ok to be the average woman, I want to shoot real couples that love each other..... I do believe in love.

As far as the escorting is concerned, I am extremely picky...... I only see clients that need me, that respects me, most of my clients become friends and I never see them again as clients. A good escort never calls and bugs clients cause they need money, she never stores their numbers, she never tries to breakup marriages! Ladies if your husband wanders (and most do) pray that they find an escort like me..... someone that stays healthy, emotionally and physically. Not that I have escorted in a longtime..... gosh I miss it. But my path has been set in a different direction, Soon as my investors stop jacking me around I am going to start the Sensual Healing and Wellness Institute.... to help couples work together on the sexual issues, to show people how to lose weight by eating amazing gourmet foods that they cook themselves, to stay healthy thru meditation and prayer, your mind is what controls your health......your sense of wellbeing is generated thru your mind first. It is a very powerful organ of your body.

Hope this gives you an insight of why a stay emotionally clean in what most people see as sewage jobs....... and I have found many ladies that are just like me. I am truely Blessed

To Rick

Rick, I know that your out of jail and I know that you read everything that I write........ so here goes.

I will not be at court, I am not afraid of you......... point is I love you, I have always loved you as you love me! If you ever raise a hand or a voice at me again I will crush you! and no this is not a victim loving thier abuser..... I knew what I was getting into when I allowed Mr Evil in my life. He is a fucked up person that does not believe that he deserves love, so he tries to prove it every single day. Well I still CHOOSE to love you.

You may call me, you may come over and get some clean clothes and good food, you may grovel at my feet and beg my forgiveness........I lost my investor because of that gorgeous black eye, and my magazine. You will not be stupid! You will not be rude! You will not chase every woman that walks in this house.... you don't need them... you adore a Goddess.

Never think that I am weak because I am kind and loving, you know I am a strong woman.

Now to the bad news, our darling drew is gone.......he has been missing for 4 days and I keep calling the hospitals and coroner..... I have a houseful of people, so get home and help me get it cleaned up. I am not promising that you can stay, I am promising that you have an option to have a home and a family..... I would never leave you at the rock and forget you.

Now you have all this in writing so the cops wont arrest you for being near me.

Carla Holland-Strange

Found a Great Attorney

Well I found GREAT attorney that is going to take my case against Sue and Wal Mart!!!!!! Yeahhhhhhh. I have to wait till I pick up mine and Marques phone records to prove call times and the police reports. I have to get an attorney in Texas for the live oak thing..... and before you think it. I am not sue crazy.. I always let things slide except for the Costa Rico thing and it made newsheadlines and the Doctor is now out od business. I will NOT be treated as if I am nothing.

I am a strong woman in a mans world here in Vegas and if that can't beat me down what can?

Ricks and sues crap cut me out of Adultcon, a photoshoot and I have to have an investment meeting with Sir John tomorrow!

Dang I spell bad when I am on a blogging tear

hehehehehhe, I have been reading past blogs, and I saw all my typos.........but wont aplolgize for them! That is my PASSION shining thru. I tell u my soft heart is going to be the end of me..... I don't want to give up, I mean look at the ones I saved .... but at what point do you put yourself first? I am too bruised to work, or be seen and this is the major week of my life. I will get thru! I need to get alot of work today on a shoot even if I don't get to do it myself and then I am going to get a lawyer and Sue Sue..........heheheheheheheehe. Very Publiclly!

My secret friends that have been calling me, send me all that dirt on this woman.

Well sweiing is going down but the bruises are intense

Now if your sitting on the phone at 12:25am with a man that is begging your permission to kill a woman...... wouldn't you call the police? Doesn't that make you an accessory to the fact? I mean that you would knowingly sit on a phone and listen to a woman die?

I am sitting here and brewing more and more about Sue rather than Rick, because she had no danger and she still chose, to leave unprotected. Even if she is in Vermont, you can get cops to a house in NV,

Anyone that reads my blogs know that have no fear, I will battle the devil if I feel that I am right. If my blogs re not strong enough (9000 readers a day) Then I will call the National Enquirer, My friend is a reporter with the Washington Post, My ex roommate is a reporter for the Review Journal here....... there are police photos and phone records that I am going to pull too!

I am a true believer in forgiveness, but I will NOT forget! Kathy thank you so much for your call, and remember what I said....your calling is to be here and be strong. Things truely happen for a reason, last night had to be my awakening that I can't save the world.......just parts of it. Until Rick lets go of his own demons then he will never accept the beauty of Gods love and acceptence. And as for Sue.... well we will see. My email address is earthgoddesscarla@gmail.com ... Sue called as soon as I posted the last blog, I will not accept calls from you. Rick does love to talk don't he?

How Does a Woman Give Permission for and other Woman to Be Hurt?

Well it finally happened last night, Rick decided to go off the deepend, and what is funny is that he called his Wealthy Influnencial Friend Sue and ask her before he beat mhy face in and wrap a lamp cord around my throat! He kept asking her if he could do me...... as in kill me. Luckily I had enough strength to kick him in the balls and run.... Soooo needless to say Richard John Diagiacomo JR is sitting in jail, plus I added a restraining order and the alarms are set on the house again.

I try so hard to not give up on people but he is a lost cause I have wasted to much time on......... PLUS we found crack and I believe that is what drove up his meaness. Now I am losing work for all next week and can't pay my bills because these people can not open their eyes, to kindness.

Sue I haven't decided yet if I am going to post ur full name tomorrow, but I probably will........because you were having an orgasm thinking of him killing me.... it is your little freaky thing that rocks your boat. Feelin his evil and violence...... don't you live in the governors mansion? Alittle research and I will know everything about a woman that is so evil that she would get kicks off of anothr womans pain.